I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
