she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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