On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
