1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
