I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
