Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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