Don't make out with my wife yet
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
