I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
