I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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