Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
