boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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