So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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