this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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