whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
