She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
