did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
