Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
