Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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