I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I want to fling myself into the sun
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
