Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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