the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
