He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
