oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
