PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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