You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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