I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
