the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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