Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
