....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
