also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Randomize
