So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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