$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
