Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
