before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
