bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
