I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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