She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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