thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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