the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
