So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
