Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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