yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
