I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
