Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
