I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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