just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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