I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They have beer where we have blood.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
