nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
