I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
