i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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