Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
